Memorial Day Weekend Laxawaxen
I find myself aware of something for the first time. It is a perfect "storm" or, better yet, CONFLAGURATION of energies being here with the family of origin lessons and the Mike & Liv lessons. In a new revelation, it has struck me upside the head that that the two are ''i-DENT-icle" !
DUH!
OUCH!
SHIT!
A bit more than I want to manage at the moment - cerebrally or otherwise, but I am pointing it out.
My response is also the same. Shut down. Withdraw, Shields up,
The bit between Mike & I about where to drop us off before parking the car left me clear that our efforts for reunification will not come to be. I am as clear on that now as I have ever been. I simply will move forward on getting more legal advice then taking the necessary steps.
He's been nothing but a positive contributor to the memorial day gathering - asparagus soup, strawberry sorbet, walks with Janice, firepit out of tall grass. Mixing and mingling etc. I have been moody and withdrawn since last night's tick episode followed by the ice, ice baby post Mike's & my meltdown.
5/30/2022
I find myself aware of something for the first time. It is a perfect "storm" or, better yet, CONFLAGURATION of energies being here with the family of origin lessons and the Mike & Liv lessons. In a new revelation, it has struck me upside the head that that the two are ''i-DENT-icle" !
DUH!
OUCH!
SHIT!
A bit more than I want to manage at the moment - cerebrally or otherwise, but I am pointing it out.
My response is also the same. Shut down. Withdraw, Shields up,
The bit between Mike & I about where to drop us off before parking the car left me clear that our efforts for reunification will not come to be. I am as clear on that now as I have ever been. I simply will move forward on getting more legal advice then taking the necessary steps.
He's been nothing but a positive contributor to the memorial day gathering - asparagus soup, strawberry sorbet, walks with Janice, firepit out of tall grass. Mixing and mingling etc. I have been moody and withdrawn since last night and the tick episode followed by the ice, ice baby post Mike's & my meltdown.
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EMAIL TO THE FAMILY: Anne, Sherman, Janice, Mary, Jim & Janet. Carol & Tom, Mike ---- Siblings and significant others only.
I wanted to share a few things that I pondered on the drive home. Firstly, what I experienced this weekend in the "family of origin plus" gathering was a greater allowance for each sibling/individual, a subtle but palpable awareness of general benevolence and space (both in the living arrangements and in inter/intra personal dynamics) and various "pickup' conversations, exchanges, connections that seemed enriching, fun etc.
And secondly, unfortunately, I did have a meltdown-withdrawal-shields up the 2nd 1/2 of the weekend. So you don't have to make up your own stories about how you may have experienced me, I offer the following:
There is no doubt that being together as Movw's family in my family of origin was a taller order than I gave it credit for ahead of time even though I did work on it in counseling. More than any previous gathering, I started out comfortably using skills and focus I have been learning as we all spent time together. I felt more solid, grounded, present, better able to practice self-awareness and "doing me" (vs. anyone else at any given moment or "not my monkey's not my circus") as I had intended.
Saturday night, the tick thing totally caught me off guard. It triggered something I had NOT anticipated - a completely unrelated, old, deep & irrational fear of Lyme's. My interactions in general began to plummet & then Mike & I had it out - just like the old days. My knee jerk defense mechanisms of striking out, shutting down, judgement & self-criticism kicked in. The heartbreak, pain and disappointment of that finished me off. I had nothing left to offer myself or anyone else. I felt completely exposed, vulnerable, raw and painfully disappointed.
What I understand in a new way is that my craving for transparency, communication and connection is what I deprive myself of (and anyone else) when I strike out & shut down. Additionally and more importantly is that I often rebuild relations by "moving on '' without jointly re-connecting for accountability & transparency, forgiveness, Truth telling, etc. in order to learn from the fall out & each other.
What happened more this weekend was the latter! After some space, coming together and gently offering accountability, awareness, acknowledgement, apology, grace, renewal. This, to me, is the greatest gift and I deeply appreciate each and every one of you for the intentions of heart you bring to the family and your lives.
Thank you for the weekend and the miracle of allowing ourselves to be present even as we are vulnerable. It is a 1 in 400 trillion miracle to be born and that we were born together with those odds, is yet another powerful miracle. Thanks to Mom & Dad, we were equipped with the example of seeking to better understand ourselves & those closest to us. How amazing is that?
Love & Peace,
Olivia
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